How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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