I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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