my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
