Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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