It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
