There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
