Having a random hookup so left but love u
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
