The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
