he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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