and she was petting her beer can
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
