Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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