btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
