My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
