she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
