She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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