i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
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You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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