Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
