i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
