So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
