Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
