I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
