Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
