since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
