This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
