as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
