There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
