Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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