Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
