when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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