Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
