Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
