just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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