Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
