I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
