OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
