Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
