i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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