I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
