guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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