I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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