He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
