Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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