I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Randomize
