One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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