Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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