I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
