i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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