Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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