he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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