When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
