She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
