garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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