i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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