A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i believe in u and ur pee
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
