i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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