Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
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