if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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