I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
