the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
